Meet My Puppy!

I cannot begin to tell you how much I love him!  I adopted him last October and even though it's been less than one year, I can't imagine my life without him.

"Friends" and lovers

I just joined Facebook this month.  I did it because I wanted to contact all of my old friends-- people I really missed, but didn't necessarily know how to contact.  Sure enough, I am the last person on the planet to join Facebook; everyone was there.  People began to overwhelm me with invites to be "Friends."  And while I find it still a bit confusing and a wholly unimportant universe at times, I am glad I joined.  It has been really great to catch-up with all of those people I missed.  What has been hard is how many of those people are doing things that I want to be doing right now.  At least four of my "Friends" are in Paris, and several of them are working in film.  I know that I am in Seattle for a reason, but lately, I've felt very empty and sad about my existence here.  There is a lot for me to learn, master and I know that I am here to do that, but why is the process so slow-- and so difficult?  It's a bit humiliating, and I wonder if the big challenge in front of me is mastering my weaknesses or staying hopeful despite the process.  I would like to shut the blinds, cover my head, and dream of a better place.  I would like to let the next few years drift over me as I sleep.  And then I wake: long fingernails and hairy legs.  A moustache.  An unruly bikini line.  And I am exactly where I want to be (or will be as soon as I get my claws on a razor).  Doing exactly what I want to be doing.  Surrounded by people I love...and like.  I would settle for the knowledge of how--at this time in my life-- to get what I want, how to work for and earn it.  But that knowledge doesn't seem to be out there.  I just can't seem to find it.  I don't seem to be good for anything but surviving the minutiae.  

I also joined EHarmony this month.  Three days later, I cancelled my subscription.  I was matched with some total goons, and some really great guys (one of whom lives three doors down-- I pulled my photo before he got to see it... I hope).  I put out a photo, wrote a profile and began "shopping" my matches.  Reading about these men was interesting.  Intriguing.  I thought, "hey, some of these guys are awesome."  And then, I started to look at pictures.  I realized that, regardless of the match's potential, I am not ready to start dating.  I am not ready to start dating because I am carrying a LOT of shame about my current weight.  It wasn't that big of a deal when I was dating someone I saw no potential in--  the man who never gave me cues one way or the other about my appearance, but if I were to start dating now, it would only be with men in who I see potential for a future and I cannot bear the thought of beginning that journey the way I see myself now.  Also working against me right now is my desire to leave Seattle as soon as possible.  I don't want to get into a relationship with someone only to fall in love and end up in this city where he has created a life.  *shudder*

I would like to have sex with someone else right now, but I am not in any hurry.  I am quite capable of taking care of business myself.  The idea of meeting someone online for anonymous sex is terrifying to me and I cannot begin to entertain the thought.  

So, this month, I am making friends and avoiding lovers.

Just clearing my throat (finding my voice is going to take some time)

I haven't written anything online (posts, etc.) in quite some time.  Mainly because life has required considerably more time and attention than it previously had.  During the time I was living in Paris I found myself with more leisure time than leisure activities. So, I became immersed in the world of blogging, social networking, gossip sites, conspiracy theory sites, porn.  But now that I have a full-time job, a dog, and social obligations, I am less and less likely to loose three hours looking at kittens on You Tube.  No, my day is filled with work, and my evenings spent recuperating from said work, exercising (not really), and playing with my pup.  A day full of activity that I once longed for when I had none.  Sadly-- but not unexpectedly-- I wish for the opposite now.  I would like go weeks without having to be somewhere or a deadline to meet.  

I guess I decided to post something today because I'd like to start doing it more often.  Most of my "friends" from the good ol' days are no longer around, and I see this site as a place that friends-- real, actual humans I have met and keep in touch with-- can stop by and see how/what I'm doing.  If you are one of said friends, please leave me a comment.  I'd love to know how you are.