"Friends" and lovers

I just joined Facebook this month.  I did it because I wanted to contact all of my old friends-- people I really missed, but didn't necessarily know how to contact.  Sure enough, I am the last person on the planet to join Facebook; everyone was there.  People began to overwhelm me with invites to be "Friends."  And while I find it still a bit confusing and a wholly unimportant universe at times, I am glad I joined.  It has been really great to catch-up with all of those people I missed.  What has been hard is how many of those people are doing things that I want to be doing right now.  At least four of my "Friends" are in Paris, and several of them are working in film.  I know that I am in Seattle for a reason, but lately, I've felt very empty and sad about my existence here.  There is a lot for me to learn, master and I know that I am here to do that, but why is the process so slow-- and so difficult?  It's a bit humiliating, and I wonder if the big challenge in front of me is mastering my weaknesses or staying hopeful despite the process.  I would like to shut the blinds, cover my head, and dream of a better place.  I would like to let the next few years drift over me as I sleep.  And then I wake: long fingernails and hairy legs.  A moustache.  An unruly bikini line.  And I am exactly where I want to be (or will be as soon as I get my claws on a razor).  Doing exactly what I want to be doing.  Surrounded by people I love...and like.  I would settle for the knowledge of how--at this time in my life-- to get what I want, how to work for and earn it.  But that knowledge doesn't seem to be out there.  I just can't seem to find it.  I don't seem to be good for anything but surviving the minutiae.  

I also joined EHarmony this month.  Three days later, I cancelled my subscription.  I was matched with some total goons, and some really great guys (one of whom lives three doors down-- I pulled my photo before he got to see it... I hope).  I put out a photo, wrote a profile and began "shopping" my matches.  Reading about these men was interesting.  Intriguing.  I thought, "hey, some of these guys are awesome."  And then, I started to look at pictures.  I realized that, regardless of the match's potential, I am not ready to start dating.  I am not ready to start dating because I am carrying a LOT of shame about my current weight.  It wasn't that big of a deal when I was dating someone I saw no potential in--  the man who never gave me cues one way or the other about my appearance, but if I were to start dating now, it would only be with men in who I see potential for a future and I cannot bear the thought of beginning that journey the way I see myself now.  Also working against me right now is my desire to leave Seattle as soon as possible.  I don't want to get into a relationship with someone only to fall in love and end up in this city where he has created a life.  *shudder*

I would like to have sex with someone else right now, but I am not in any hurry.  I am quite capable of taking care of business myself.  The idea of meeting someone online for anonymous sex is terrifying to me and I cannot begin to entertain the thought.  

So, this month, I am making friends and avoiding lovers.